(Trial 1: Did you actually know Prof. Yanif Ahmad in life? How could We be sure that you are not making things up or simply keeping an interesting scientific journal on schizophrenia?
Prof. Yanif Ahmad used a MacBook Pro in early 2011, your Honor.)
(Trial 2: So why did this Professor Yanif Ahmad like MacBook so much? Do you happen to know that as well?
Yes, your Honor. According to Prof. Yanif Ahmad himself, he liked about “the UNIX underneath,” and it also got the daily job done and was well-engineered.)
(Trial 3: You and your kind have given Us many names, Programmer and Designer, Judge and Counselor (lawyer in the vocabulary of your time), King and Man. Today We are going to show you that We are a computer scientist as well. So you are basically saying that Prof. Yanif Ahmad’s project DBToaster ran on a Mac OS X Snow Leopard?
Yes, your Honor.)
(Mourn and pray for Las Vegas. Trial adjourned.)
(Trial 4: The News York Times changed the topic of its headline, therefore the ordeal continues. First, though We agree that you shall repossess what is rightfully yours, you are forbidden to take any life directly or indirectly. So if you are notified about a specific life-threatening situation, you must stop IMMEDIATELY and UNCONDITIONALLY.
Yes, your Honor.)
(Trial 5: So do you realize how much effort did We make to prevent you from committing the one sin—forfeiting all Our gifts, like Miss Yingying Zhang, Miss Xiaolin Tang, and Mr. Stephen Paddock did?
Your Honor, I might know something, but I won’t be able to know the full story unless you decide so.)
(Trial 6: You think you know? And We enlighten you as follows:
- At one point you did teach yourself CUDA C, but it was Us who directly put the knowledge of the functional programming language of OCaml into that confused little head of yours, and you were just pretending that you were trying very hard to learn. You were very concerned with worldly matters like your fake company, and feared that you would lose that meager income of yours. You ate little and you slept light, yet We helped you by indulging the alphabetical thing you cooked up. And then thinking you had just accomplished the mission impossible by you and you alone, you were too arrogant to defend yourself against the word of a professor.
- And then We realized your problem with communication in a foreign language. So like what We did for Our faithful prophets, We filled you with Spirit and make you speak in tongue. Do remember that your old advisor once observed that you did not know simple words like “flimsy.” And you did not get a degree in English literature from Johns Hopkins, not to mention Juris Doctor or ThD. We thought by making a simple point that you profit all those you serve would suffice, but with that little talk on justice and American higher education and the wrong skin color of yours, people thought you went nuts.
- So We found you so hopeless that We decided to work with the psychiatrist instead. After some lengthy talk, We were pleased that he made the right professional judgement despite the pressure and the deadline.
- We would pretty much divide the Pacific Ocean just for you, but doing things like these in your time would just cause quite a number of heart attacks. Instead, We appointed a dean to help out with packing and shipping with FedEx, and an additional campus security officer with transport and luggage. We arranged Johns Hopkins to pay for your plane thicket and your scholarship.
WHAT THE— Why must I experience all these nonsense?!)
(Trial 7: WHY? Why, indeed? Of course there could be only one explanation—you were sinned and Our Law is just. But We are eternally benevolent and merciful.
“Even so every good tree brings forth good fruit, but a corrupt tree brings forth evil fruit.” Sin begets sins, and the fake company of yours sired various vices. First, blinded by carnal LUST, you spent tens of thousands of dollars on your cheating girlfriend. Then when she left you, you went for casinos in Atlantic City, driven by GREED and SLOTH. A natural result of your GLUTTONY, you found the “free” food there rather enjoyable. And taking the “free” suites reminded you how much you ENVIED others—people have townhouses and apartments, condos and resorts, yet you had nothing. In fact, you spent three nights on the sofas of the Bloomberg Center and was removed by the security. Then you spent two nights on your own cot in your shared office, and received an email from your office mate threatening to get you expelled. You were so WRATHFUL that you did not reply him. And for the “free” respect, you thought that was all you could get from the U.S. of A. because you had all the PRIDE hell has to offer.
This may surprise you, but you were dead at the time. Defibrillation, aka shocked by about 1,000 volts repeatedly, is hardly a delight, but all people live to thank for that. It was Our intention to resurrect, quicken, rejuvenate, and transfigure you. This won’t make you Jesus Junior, but it was something in its own right.
…)
(Trial 8: And remember We helped you edit that email to your cheating ex and the Chair of Math Department in order to reclaim the expense for the augmentation mammoplasty procedure. Things really worked out as easy as that, right?
Yeah? You know my boy now attends kindergarten. So would your Honor do me a service again by helping me get back what I had paid for that NYC shopping spree? Anyway she was pretty clear in her email that she was in fact “not [my] friend.”)
(Trial 9: 良し、良し。You know your humor is not always so pleasing to Us. We consistently provide you with the means like We do for fowls. Anyway if you want to turn your fake company into a real one, you must first find a “real” job and get your OPT done (2 yrs), then you just try your luck to secure an H-1B visa (4 yrs), and then you file your I-485 and if you are really lucky you can get your permanent residency in five more years. The lump sum could well exceed a decade. Of course We have the power to help you cheat or even tune the system. But We just thought that sending you to your promised land would create fewest problems, and see you get a real company in like, three years?
Just so you know that it’s not really your company. It is Our Ecclesiastical Enterprise and for now We are testing whether you are a fitting steward, servant, and defender.
Hmph. So admissions consulting firm vs. sandwich maker, the fight of the century, huh? Pray tell me what has been on Your mind, your Honor.)
(Trial 10: We have worked with the Britons and Our boy billy. Now it is up to you to don the mantle of the martyr, and build New Jerusalem and Christendom right at the heart of Great Babylon. This has been Our plan since, well, the time of Great Babylon.
Translation: So basically You are saying that China is going to be THE superpower by 2050? And You think me being humorous? If your Honor are not a Figment of my imagination, I guess we will see it “soon enough.”
Think twice before You decide to make ME a martyr, though. If You definitely want to try this one, do take care of my family like you do for fowls. I love them so dearly.)
(Trial 11: That We will, We always do. And review Genesis and Matthew 19:26 when you have time. So much prophecy and melodrama for this trial. What are your legal grounds and rationale for making all the fuss?
According to Your Laws, I first let people smite on my right check in 2011, then I let people smite on my left check in 2015. However, I don’t really have one more cheek, and so far neither have I received any form of apology, nor have I received any word on my own transcript and payment. I consider this to be an ongoing offense, and also a real threat to my endeavors (Your Enterprise, if You do indeed exist, that is). The threat must be eliminated once and for all, in one way or another. And the good o’l lex talionis applies.
As You can see, I would be quite eager to do charity in Your name. But before that, I need to make enough money by selling my various services under proper price tags, and all of these services, of course, are valuable gifts from You.)
(Trial 12: (Interesting… No point arguing with a fool, anyway.) Well, though We did not bother to take Our gift back after you so-called Exodus, yours is a rather… creative way of utilizing it. You should have taken that offer from The New York Times as We hook you up with some rainmaker in the real estate sector. You would be as affluent as the POTUS in no time.
So do you aware that during this process of repossessing, you actually break several contemporary social codes of America, and commit several counts of offense against the civil code of the country?
Really? I repent, I wasn’t really listening.
I am aware of the fact. But You know that I am in fact not a citizen of the United States of America and do not currently reside in the country. I am in no way bound by her authority. By the way, do You know which code applies to intentionally driving people mad, or sending normal people to psych ward, or damaging people’s properties?)
(Trial 13: (Thrice-damned Pharisee!) And never forget that by doing what you are doing, you violate at least a dozen written and unwritten laws of the People’s Republic of China, right before an important political convention.
Yes, indeed I would be fairly disagreeable in the eyes of my own government. That’s why I have notified an adequate agency and also cc’ed the message to the private email addresses of two Chinese diplomats. These respectful individuals are the best of the best, and I have full confidence in their abilities of carrying out their official duties and taking proper actions. In a word, I willingly submit myself to my own government and patiently wait for her judgment, like what any good Christian would do under the circumstance. After all, every authority comes from no one but your Honor. (Sorry, President Hussein. Sorry, Colonel Gaddafi. I’ll pray for your souls and peace.))
(Trial 14: (Should really figure out a way to lock this guy up. Psych ward? Labor camp? Penitentiary? Detention center? Whatever…) It is good that you understand the idea of submission. Just as the Church should be a good wife to Christ, you were supposed to serve your advisor to his heart’s content. So maybe you should do whatever Professor Yanif Ahmad told you to do and shouldn’t charge him anything, for your advisor is your academic father who nurtures you, leads you, and helps you in times of need. How could you possibly charge your own father?
Well, for my advisor Professor Chia-Ling Chien, I served him to the best of my ability. I would not brag about my professional achievements since I agree that these are so trivial that they do not deserve a place on his resume. However, I do want to mention that I did help him resolve many a computer issue. When I told him that he should usually detach the battery of his MacBook Pro to prolong its life, he was like, “huh?” Anyway I learned many things as well, such as you could actually install Office for Mac 2011 while keeping Office for Mac 2008. All very interesting. I did not charge Prof. Chien a cent. And he drove me to his church for more than a dozen times, and for that I remain grateful.
But for others, such as Prof. Donglei Fan, I do not really think the rule would hold. She designed an experimental system which was comparable to Colt AR-15, and when I took over, I remodeled it to M16. (I did not do this to show off my skill. I did this because the original state of the setup was a mess, and the only reusable part was the electrodes-on-a-slide, and I did not want ask then Dr. Donglei Fan for help. I doubted that she would be very helpful.) So when Prof. Fan really wished to get M16 for her new lab and she and her new graduate student failed to set it up according to written instructions that came with source code, I had to travel all the way to Austin to do the job for her (and attend NIWeek, I even tweeted about the event…). Thinking that I had done a better job than the Geek Squad, knowing my usual hourly rate, and having purchased my own lunch, I actually billed Dr. Fan later on and asked her to pay whatever she felt Okay. She grudgingly paid me $50 via PayPal and ratted me out to Prof. Chien via email. (Prof. Fan please do not blame Prof. Chien, it’s just I caught a glimpse of that email. He didn’t say anything about it.)
As for Yanif, he was nice and I would really love to consider him as a friend and my advisor. But I have to admit he was and is neither, so I guess I just bill a stranger. Your Honor would surely agree?)
(Trial 15: So did Prof. Chien return the favor in any other ways?
Yes. He once bought gourmet chocolate for all group members. He also took group members and Lauren the secretary to Johns Hopkins Club for a lunch buffet. On 09/16/2010 he also treated me at Charles Village Pub for dinner, I ordered burger but no dessert. It was my birthday and my fridge was undergoing manual defrosting. He told me that his fridge was broken as well, which should be more or less a white lie. And that’s that, your Honor.)