Dear Prof. Yanif Ahmad,
How are you doing? It has been quite a few years, and I hope everything is good.
I am writing to you because now I want to get paid for the K3-C++ compiler for the DBToaster project. You understand that after you had failed to keep your end of the bargain, I was not able to find a permanent job in the United States within the few weeks remaining, so I ended up negotiating a deal with Johns Hopkins: I would be offered with a scholarship of $65,000 and would voluntarily withdraw from the program, signing a 10-page Severance Agreement that theoretically prevents me from causing any further “trouble.” Though you can decide on your own whether this arrangement is fair, I did see it as the most reasonable resolution at the time which both parties could agree upon.
However, there have been some problems. First, I was given a transcript of a Mr. Chen, Yin from the computer science department, and I would pretty much like to have my own to prove my academic ability during my stay at Johns Hopkins. Second, Johns Hopkins students, Mr. Chenxiao Zeng, Mr. Bin Ren and Ms. Xinyu Huang, have been anonymously calling me all sorts of names on a major Chinese online forum. When challenged, they finally managed to dig up that I was “expelled,” which, compared to their other irresponsible babbling, might just have been the closest thing to what really happened. Third, according to the university representative who negotiated with me, your collaborator in the physics department at the time, Prof. Alexander S. Szalay, seemed to have issues with me “not attending courses and meetings.” But we all know that the guy was too busy, and I never had the honor to meet him in person.
For your information, I am a millionaire, and I never spent a dime of that scholarship. So if anyone want that back, you’ll just have to make a formal request, and at least the money could be used to do some good. I remember at the time the University was quite unwilling to depart with such a meager sum. They went to extreme length to hire a shrink as an attempt to cancel my I-20 so the Immigration Service could be summoned to directly remove me from campus. Could you believe it? And do you want to know how I find out about this?
So when I first wrote to you saying that I was good with computer, actually I meant that I was making roughly $20,000 a month as a technical consultant for companies and individuals outside the United States, and I should be able to complete any PhD-level work that falls in the categories of computational physics and computer science at Johns Hopkins. My biggest fear at the time was the professors of the computer science department would simply ignore me like those in the physics department did, so I took a rather desperate measure by contacting people following the alphabetical order. Honestly, when you gave me the task of creating that compiler, I knew nothing about database, compiler, or OCaml, not to mention K3. My forte at the time was CUDA and x86 assembly. Anyhow, I always believe my code could speak for myself, and it shall have its inherent value under any circumstance.
Since the matter of continuing my PhD study under the joint guidance of Prof. Alexander S. Szalay and you could not be arranged, I feel I am rightful to charge you for a work well done. Regarding this specific problem, you could pay me for what you should pay for an American technical consulting firm. I do want you to know that I really, really appreciate the fact that YOU DID RESPOND TO THAT EMAIL. So yeah, if the sum is less than $1,000, you got yourself a freebie. Otherwise, maybe Prof. Szalay want to split the tab?
I understand, just as in the case of my transcript, you might not currently have the access to that private BitBucket repo which you had granted me the honor to commit my code into. Though regrettably my technical career was cut short and now I make a living as a humble college counselor, I would be more than happy to work out the problem again or some other problem for you or for anyone who is next in line, after I receive my payment. After all, anyone in a U.S. college community is not supposed to lie, cheat, or steal, for what’s it worth.
If I sound a bit blunt please do forgive me, for I learned that you might be leaving soon and I do want my name to be cleared before that. I sincerely wish you good luck, as I consider myself lucky.
Sincerely,